Anchors , comparisons, structure, identity, meaning

The title of this post and its contents will follow how my brain generally operates - which is this: the parts can be compartmentalized, the parts don't neccesarily go in sequence or in a super planned way but the whole, i don't know about coherent, but meaning it should have. Something deeper than the parts

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What is my anchor? Thats a difficult question to answer in the best of times.  A relatively easier question to answer is should my anchor be internal - what I truly want- is there such a thing at all ---- or external ( do I "benchmark" or compare myself against others)?

But who or which group do I benchmark or compare myself against? When younger,  these questions were easier to answer.  You had a whole lot of people fairly similar to you in some way or the other. As you grow older, your own situations become more and more unique. In ways professional and personal . Sometimes you may have wanted to that it way but many times you didn't even seek it that way

What do i benchmark myself on in any case?  Money? I am not the guy who likes a life of luxury in any case.  Basic comfort and convenience  that's good enough for me,  even my hobbies  aren't the costly types. And though not intended this way,  as life would have it,  it probably helps ( in this totally limited literal context ofcourse)  that  atleast as of now,  I dont have any future generation or a family ( apart from my parents and my differently abled brother to take care) to particularly save or hoard for.  Some more years of working,  doing what i broadly like anyway, and i think i can save enough for a rainy day for myself and for those who matter to me.... hopefully...

What about work? Is that something i should benchmark myself on? To whom?

 I like the broad field work i in, does it matter if i get a little less recognition , be it from a broader or a limited set of people ? 

So is it fair to say that my anchor there is internal. If it is,  is that what defines me? Is that my identity? ( and that brings me to the next ( or the next to next) part)

But before that,  No. i don't think it can or is. For , like I said, it always has to be the whole that has to have meaning and make sense. Not just one part of life  though an important one. 

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Is following the herd a bad thing? is fitting in a bad thing?  Is it just more natural to have external anchors?

Probably the subject of a seperate future post in itself but i would venture the answers to the above questions are No ( when in doubt,  follow the herd), No and Yes

Most of what we think is our identity is pretty much , something I think,  we developed from external anchors at some point of time in our lives

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What is my identity? what is it that i truly identify with? Is it the choices that I made that define me? The things i like doing? My work? The people i relate to?

Who are the people i actually even relate to the most? Forget people,  which is even the place or city i most relate to? Mumbai,  where i work and stay  and have for the past decade plus,  but where i don't have too many friends or family,  or Chennai,  the place I was born brought up.  Or neither?!

 Is it my values that define me?  or is it that my identity that actually defines my values?! 

Some of these are super existential questions maybe, and even in the best of times,  you can't get a complete answer here.  But even getting halfway answers would be good enough

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Over short periods of time,  i can operate in a compartmentalized way. super focused on a narrow areas.  But over longer periods,  it all has to add up to something bigger. something deeper, something more meaningful. For some reason, that's the way my mind works. For good , bad or worse

Some people are super good at planning things and achieving them and planning the next.  In a super linear structured way. Full credit to them.  That also requires long term focus for people to also having figured out the questions of "identity". Or the questions of who or what to compare and benchmark. And to figure out what their anchor is?

Me... I think i just like ( or hope to) figuring a few small things here and a few small things there non linearly. And then hoping it all adds to something of deeper meaning

Most of the time it doesn't.  Its frankly an inefficient way to do list things.  But when it does,  even on something which is of not so much consequence, its a magical feeling.

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