And...damn it.... that's true

I mentioned somewhere in my previous post that I am an "underconfident" person ( and...damn it.. that's true),  while simultaneously introducing a nuance between self assurance and confidence.  I also mentioned that this is probably one of the worst things you could ever admit in public (and damn it.... that's true...)

Is it even underconfidence though?  

Do I lack faith in my abilities? For most part,  the answer is an unqualified NO, in that I truly do believe in what I am capable of , in most domains of life,  to the point , that I might even be overestimating it. So its not that. 

But maybe its the external orientation of confidence vs the internal bit of self assurance that explains it? But does it? Does that mean I feel I am inferior to others? In most domains,  i really don't think so. Nor do i overestimate other's capabilities , which on most domains, I think I can size up quite well in terms of estimating.

If its not the abilities,  is it about what I don't have? Things intangible and tangible. Again , while posts on this blog might give the mistaken impression that the chap writing this is maybe a  bit whiny, if only in his own mind,  I would like to think I am actually anything but! Despite this blog overindexing to an extent on things like doubts, fears, the things that aren't going well in life etc,  in reality,  I think,  internally I am quite grateful for the good things in my life. I am not the whiny type in public in either.

Sure do I have regrets? Yes,  regrets of commission and omission - mainly the latter ( is that a story in itself that most of the regrets are the latter type?- probably yes but that's probably for another post). But well I can live with them, make peace with them. There are a thousand things i could have done differently sure,  But , overall i am still happy about the things I did,  the virtues and values that I have. Have I made the best use of good luck and opportunities when I had them? Probably not but I know that's ok. In my rational mind,  I even know many others may have and probably have done worse.

Is it because I feel hard done by the times when luck hasn't gone my way? Not true.  I am quite grateful and if not a complete believer in the "everything happens for a reason" theory,  atleast a believer in that "everything will eventually make sense" theory.

What is it even that i feel " under confident" about? What can make me feel "under confident" and why?

Let me try answering the last question in a different way.  I think most people can make me feel under confident if they tried enough! Sounds a weird thing to say but ....damn it... that's true! 

Now to get this straight, most people aren't looking to make me feel underconfident . For starters , I am not relevant enough for them to try.  And i suppose most people arent psychotic enough to want to do that , even if they just came across what I said.

But damn it... that's ( still) true! But hey maybe they don't even have to try much.

It may seem I am giving a positive spin to a negative unloved unappreciated quality ( i.e.  being underconfident) but could it be somehow be related to being able to be empathetic to multiple perspectives? To see things from everyone else's side? 

It sort of makes sense that when I was younger,  i was less " underconfident" on most domains.  I was also less empathetic to other points of views than I am today.  I was self absorbed ( though I still probably am.) . Simultaneously,  I was also more sure of myself ( less so now), even if occasionally a bit ignorantly. Could it be, that in seeing things from every angle , I assess myself a bit too objectively, and everyone else a bit more subjectively and with a lot more latitude ? Probably. And in viewing things from many perspectives,  just simply ending up less sure of my own perspective.  I might believe in my own virtues and values but is it also necessary to feel at some level,  that those are superior to others? Not just in a moral sense,  but , in a "those also work" sense? ( which really isn't something I can control). Is it not enough to just feel grateful , but at some level also feel "validated" (will come to this) , approved, even maybe envied?!

It might even be true that the times when I am least underconfident today are when I am not being empathetic in any way. In the broadest sense of the term, in that,  when I am not really caring about what others think either way. 

Which , coupled with the two earlier framings maybe gets to the heart of the causative mechanism. Remember the few paras back when i said almost anybody could make me feel underconfident if they wanted. That probably explains 

I guess I have always known that I am a sucker for validation and I have probably mentioned that on this blog, before as well. And....damn it.... that explains it.  If validation makes me feel good,  not feeling validated makes me feel well underconfident? Because no matter how much in my rational mind,  I can try to reason out by staying grateful, staying self assured in terms of my abilities, values,  virtues,  I still want to feel validated.

Feel validated... by someone,  everyone,  the world, by God ( and i think God exists), or hey,  even by myself!

And maybe when I don't find some of that or a bit of that or a lot of that,  that's when I feel underconfident.

And...damn it.... that's true!