37 thoughts as I turn 37

 I turn 37 in a few hours from now. By the time I publish this post, I may already be 37. Here's a list of things that I have learnt in all these years, some about myself, some about the world, some just general musings and a few things that I still dont know/am unsure of. A lot many things here which are just a note to self. And a few things that are just randomly popping up in my mind. 37 thoughts in total.

And there it begins:

1. Not everything has a beginning but everything has an end.  All things, good and bad, come to an end. Everything in this world is transient. If there's anything we can be sure of , it is this

2. I like my birthdays :) . Even though its not like I celebrate it much . Or that I am even wished much. But yes, I like being wished on my birthdays. 

3.  I am a sucker for some kind of validation. I guess that explains 2 :)

4. Life is all about making oneself relevant. The greatest fear is of becoming irrelevant. The only thing that can be worse is when you start becoming indifferent to becoming irrelevant

5. Everything compounds with time, both good and bad

6. The perennial mismatch in time between when you know/ understand/ realize something and when knowing/understanding/ realizing that thing would be useful  is the unfortunate reality of  life - hindsight is the most perfect science but sadly isn't useful as time is a one way street.There's generally nothing more frustrating than knowing or realizing something which is useless now but might not have been some years earlier

7. Would you rather be yourself or be somebody else? This is isnt as easy a question as it sounds. Ofcourse as far as a lot of things go, we would at times, want to be like someone else. But the whole package? There's something unique in yourself, simply because it is YOU, the sum total of various parts of YOU, of all your values, of all your experiences. 

Anyway to answer this question, I honestly dont know. A few years back, maybe I would have said NO, because after all, like I said in the previous para, I am ME ( if that makes any sense). But now, I don't know. Or maybe just don't care.

8. Each one of us have atleast ( if not more) that one story where reality is stranger than fiction--- that one story which you as somebody else you would disbelieve--  that one story that you as a 3rd person would go wtf---that one story which you yourself, in your calmer more reflective days, looking from outside with a equanimous mind and a spirit of taking everything that hits you with a stride,  can only look at with tragi comic laughter at the surreality of it all

9. The phrase "nothing to lose" is quite overrated and more often than not just theoretical.  "Nothing to lose" can at best liberate you of constraints,  but it is  HOPE that can provide you with purpose.  Very often if you have nothing to lose,  you have nothing to gain either

10. Its either too much time at hand or too little. Never just about enough, always either abundance or scarcity

11. Its probably related in a Freudian way to the previous point- a recurring dream of mine is of me ( in the dream, apparently still in college or B-School or sometimes even at school ) having a lot of time in the run up to an exam or a project but somehow doing anything but prepare for that. And then suddenly I discover, oh wait, I am either late for it or am totally unprepared for it . Get it even in my 30's. Funny part, I never used to get these dreams while I actually wa in school or college. But I am just wondering if there's somebody out there above sending a subliminal message through these dreams

12. Ppl say " It is never too late to" < insert motivational quote> <do this or do that> but the sobering fact is everything in life comes with a shelf life or an expiry date. People underrate the effect of "time decay".Everything has "time decay", your feelings,  your memory,  even your skills if not nurtured,friendships (barring a few) if not nurtured--- infact if one is able to realize the time decay element,  one can perhaps nurture many of these things to counteract the effect of time decay

13. If one's too sure of oneself,  there is little incentive to learn from the world around. Ofcourse if one's too unsure of oneself, there's the issue of being too confused to learn from the world around.  There's that sweet spot of being just that little unsure of oneself

14. There's also that sweet spot of discomfort. When you are in your comfort zone, you stagnate. But neither is too much of stress a good thing. You just need that right bit of external stimuli to prod you to improve.

15. Freedom combined with purpose is the holy grail, both combined, not just one in isolation at a point in time

16. "Ego risk" is a real thing. We limit ourselves because we are afraid of our ego being hurt. Yet it is not easy to let that go.

17. Is introversion atleast partly explained by "ego risk"? I think so

18. As you grow older and older, your circumstances become more and more unique, because after all, WE are all UNIQUE. And yet that's also the difficulty, there's no set template, you define your purpose, you define your goals, you define your problems, and you also solve them, all alone. There are no similar examples to neccesarily look up to, or atleast not anybody with the same set of circumstances as you. We all learn by imitation after all , and that becomes difficult as you get older

19. Procrastination is sometimes just the result of too much optimism

20. The sobering reality is life isnt going to just simply change one fine day. It would be nice if it did though

21. That said, I do like looking up to milestones hoping for life and sometimes even (willing) myself to change. Any milestone, like my birthday , a new year, and then even some absolutely random ones which would make no sense to any person but me. Its irrational but what the heck

22. People take themselves too seriously.  Do I? More than seriously, I do sometimes consider myself special ;) But that comes from just some irrational belief in destiny and just the irrational and dumb optimism that flows from that

23. Yes, I can be hopelessly optimistic to the point of insanely dumb optimism at times. And yet also very rational when i want to be.

24. I tend to think with the most rationality when I am pessmistic. Or is it because when i think rationally, I feel pessmistic? Well, lets not go there!

25. We spend too much time thinking about decisions that impact us for a short period of time, some even easily reversible and spend too little time thinking about decisions that impact us for a longer period and/or have BIG COSTS associated with reversing them

26. I am good at combining a lot of small little unrelated may be sometimes even apparently random details into a big picture. Thats how I hope to make sense of life as well. A bit unstructured it may be but thats what it is. Eventually everything will make sense. Eventually

27. A bit related but some ppl have the ability to perfectly plan for things for 5-10 yrs down the line, have clear vision of what they want and would do just about anything to achieve that. Plan it to the tee . I do envy them at times for that but thats not me

28. People generally tend to get more patient as they get older and tend to be more impatient when they are younger. Which if you think about it is sort of irrational. You obviously have more time at hand when you are younger, all else equal ?

29. Its upto yourself to make yourself relevant. Nobody else will do it for you

30. The best part of sleep is just before you wake up. And yet you have to.

31. It would be nice to go back in time to the past and explore alternate timelines. It would be even better if we could do it, armed with knowledge of the present

32. But which alternate timelines would I actually want to explore? Say if I were given 3 choices today, at the age of 37, to go back to a particular age, what would that be? SO that I can go back and see how things would have worked out if I had done a few things differently? Probably ages 17-21, 24-25 and 27.

33. I like anticipatable "unpredictability". Basically the sort of unpredictability that is in your favour. But hey who doesn't? :) Sadly it doesnt happen all that often. Or ever at all.

34. I have enough of a sense of humour to laugh at my own mistakes and stupidities ( and sometimes even troubles), big and small. but I can get a bit touchy ( mostly in my own mind) if somebody else does that

35. Greatest fear? The fear of being embarrassed? Probably

36. Everything in life happens for a purpose. And sometimes you have to tell yourself that lie.

37. And eventually everything will fall in place and come together. It will.