25 for (20)25

Being in a flight is a good time to reflect on things,  on yourself,  on the world , your learnings and with a new year coming up,  what you would like to do going ahead.

In that spirit of reflection , tried my hand at reflecting and writing 25 things about myself in the spirit of the upcoming year in the flight I was in, yesterday from Madras to Bombay.

 Ok towards the end I just cheat a little bit to make it to 25 by splitting up points a bit but that's ok I guess :)

So here goes: in no particular order:

1. I have always been reticent about expressing my desires/ ambitions etc

I figured this has been true right from my childhood except for maybe a time i can't even remember  maybe when i was too young

Is it good? Probably not.  Expressing your desires, ambitions etc likely helps ( with a certain judicious balance ofcourse) in every way from professional to personal. 

 But yes this has been me

2. I have always had a DGAF streak in me

Yes this , which i mentioned as the characterestic of this year in a blogpost few weeks back, has also been true right from when i was young..

and yet

3.I have always also wanted validation

I guess I mentioned somewhere in this blog that I am a sucker for validation. Which is fine I guess,  for we all are, at some level

4. I have always had a fear of being judged for small unintentional mistakes

Yes, this I think is something unique about me. Not a great thing i suppose.  But well it's what it is

5. I have / have had a tendency to be too self absorbed

Yes,  again probably not a great thing.  By this I don't necessarily mean selfish or unable to think from other POV but just being too self conscious at times to too self interested at times to " too living in my own world at times"

Ironicallly, i might have become a little less so when getting older.  Which is ironic because its usually the reverse for most people

6. Talking about being self conscious, the super self conscious me is a wreck.  Ok that's an exagerration but I think whenever I am extra self conscious , I just appear a trifle less confident or overcompensating or well, just not the best me.  Everywhere from a photo to a professional interaction, this is kind of true

7. I don't have an intution about too many things but when i have had them,  its usually been somewhat correct

8. I have never been the entitled kind but I have always beleived I am special.

9. But I am also rational enough to realize that especially as years pass by,  increasingly you aren't special. Not for the world. Not for most people in it.  And maybe that's fine. 

10. The Opposite to 6  in some sense :The confident me has always done better. Probably true for most of us i guess

But it's also true that

11. I have done well when I have felt just that trifle bit inadequate but having the belief anc hope i can make up for it. The sweet spot i guess.  Something to prove,  but not too much to and something you can prove

12. When i was younger I had more capacity for deliberate explicit self reflection. Maybe I didn't pen it down in so many words but I could more frequently take a hard look at myself. I still end up doing some of it implicitly I would think.  But not in an explicit planned way. Maybe there are just too many things to reflect on and too many things to worry about ( and also that much lesser you can do about) to do so when one gets older

13.  Related to  4 but I have always had the fear of getting embarrassed. It's no coincidence that I disproportionately remember too many things where in my own mind atleast,  i was embarrassed  ( for something likely very minor even, and not perhaps what anyone else would care for or remember). 

14. Talking about fears ( except the above),  i guess a three pronged approach works: see if the fear is irrational but putting it to rational tests, if not,  don't think too much about it until you really have to and thirdly remember that even when you have to  even that moment will pass

15.  I have always been introverted. Related to 5 maybe but I have at times not made conscious efforts to maintain friendships and stuff.  But also in general,  i just feel more comfortable opening to people who open upto me.  The reciprocal theory

16. I have never had long term grudges against anyone and hopefully wouldn't ever be in a position in future where I do.  Not that everyone has been super nice with me,  but I just have that mentality i guess. A good trait

Wrong decisions i have made have been of following types ( in order probay 17>20>18>19>21)

17. Incomplete knowledge or not having looked at things from all the angles that are needed

18.  The allure of status quo

19. Mistaken overoptimism

20.  Underselling myself

21. Failure to think quickly on my feet or seize the moments that matter- wouldn't be too hard on myself on this but yes if you need to make the best out of your opportunities then you need this quality atleast in some measure

< end of above>

22. I have been more mature than my age, despite having a rather highly sheltered existence and being not that well versed with the ways of the world, when i was younger.  Now? I dont know.  I have a less sheltered existence,  no more about the world and yet probably have a maturity at best about or likely slightly lesser than my age 

23. Somewhat related to point no 2 - I have always had a rebelious streak but never been a rebel

24.  I have done better when I have planned things and worked to specific objectives ( but i am not that good at planning, for what its worth).  But i also have the tendency to think the why am i doing this way too much than i ought to.  I need a trigger,  something to look forward to.  I like the freedom of being able to do what i want but I also feel a certain emptiness when having too much free time.  My optimal situation is just having that correct amount of external constraints  while also having something to look forward to. 

25. For some weird reason 7 is a lucky number for me or so i think.  So 2+5 adding up to 7 should be a good year.  But 2+0+2+5= 9 not so much,  so should i look at it as 2025 or 25. Well, we will go with the first interpretation. 

Yes, I have always been an optimist,  for good or for bad

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