Just keep me occupied

Strange how different you can feel in a matter of a day or even in a matter of few hours

Started yesterday ( Friday) on a not so great note. At some point had the "what the hell am I doing" feeling. As the day progressed, and it was a super busy day, felt progressively much better. About everything,  myself,  the world around me, about hope, and  pretty much most things, when I headef to sleep

Today was the reverse. Woke up early by my standards for a Saturday ( despite going to bed late the previous night) feeling good about myself.  There were things to do but i also had a lot of time, or so i thought.Felt relaxed and hopeful to begin the day.  As it turned out,  just ended up feeling progressively worse through the day. Nothing worthwhile done either, though in my mind i thought I would get a lot done. The highs of yesterday giving to a more deflated feeling at the end of the day

The diary entryist nature of the post aside, what is the point of this post?

Well, in yesterday's post ( in hindsight a rather rambling one , conveying some things and emotions well, but in too much of a meandering way--- will still let it stay on the blog), among many other things,  I touched on questions of identity and anchors, on internal and external validation. I don't have answers to a lot of what i posted there but I do to a question which I didn't exactly post there but is tangentially related to some of the topics i touched upon: What is it that I want? Or rather something I would just simply take,  no questions asked?

The title here has the answer.  I just want to feel occupied, doing things I like doing and am good at, and that forever.  If someone can assure me of that and even with pretty much nothing else,  i would take that deal in a heartbeat. You see , the last part is the key.  Even if you are super " into the present" , in the zone at any point, as long as you have to think about but ok, what next , can i keep doing this all the while? In future,  do I have to worry about anything else? ( even if totally unrelated to this) - then well you have an issue. 

And that's why like I said in the previous post, while I can definitely take a compartmentalized approach to things , that's only over shorter time periods. Over longer time periods,  both doubts and dopamine feed from one "compartment" to the other,  the former for bad,  and the latter for good,  atleast temporarily.

I just don't need to think about the why's. Just even impose that external discipline on me with no time to think.  Just keep me occupied. 

In other words,  i wouldn't mind a robotic mission oriented existence --except for the few moments of feeling good--- while actually doing things I like. Chuck the dualites of hope and fear,  of anxiety,  of ennui , of looking forward to something or of dreading something

Just knowing assuredly ( and that's the key,  and that's what we know makes it impossible in the real world for there is no such thing assuredly possible) that you will have your mind fully occupied , coupled with the ability to get some amount of validation-dopamine hits from time to time would do. Just keep me occupied.

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